


Take Me Off Your Call List

by sosser86



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Crowley is Bad at Being a Demon (Good Omens), Crowley is Whipped (Good Omens), Crowley is a Little Shit (Good Omens), Cults, Demon Summoning, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28000347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sosser86/pseuds/sosser86
Summary: There is a belief amongst those that practice dark magic that demons can be called upon to do the bidding of those strong enough to make them bow to their will.But has anybody ever stopped to ask the demons what the demons think of this arrangement? Or if the demons already have plans that evening?Rude.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 170





	Take Me Off Your Call List

There is the belief that among those that practise black magic that demons can be bound to do the bidding of those that are knowledgeable and powerful enough to control them. The ancient texts describe rituals including blood, obscure symbols and chants, unholy acts of sacrifice done in the name of their Dark Lord. These demons can be called upon to do the work of Men in exchange for their eternal souls.

However, nobody has stopped to ask what the demons think of this arrangement. Are they busy that evening? Is this maybe below the demon's pay grade, or interests? Is all this really necessary? Have the humans thought about being less petty? Have they thought of a less damning way to solve their problems? After all, Hell is getting pretty crowded at this point.

All these questions and more were up for consideration the night a cult summoned a London-based demon.

"Yeah, I get that Blood Moons don't come along every day," he told them with irritation, "but the husband isn't having it. We've got tickets to the theatre tonight, and he's been waiting for this one."

The cultists looked around the circle at one another in confusion.

One of them tried to regain control of the situation, crying out in a commanding tone, "Silence, Fallen One! You will submit to our will, and you will heed our call this night!"

"I don't cock-block you, Karen," he shot back. "I've put a lot of effort into getting tonight perfect!"

"Oi, we've also put a lot of effort into all this!" a different cultist retorted indignantly, getting huffy. There were murmurs of agreements amongst the others. "I had to get a babysitter!"

The demon groaned and slumped dramatically. "Right!" he growled, "S'get this done quickly.  _ List _ !" and repeatedly snapped his fingers impatiently until someone tentatively handed him a sheet of paper over the perimeter of the circle. He snatched it from their fingers and read over it, mumbling to himself and going back and forth between cocking his brow and furrowing them.

After a moment of consideration, he finally said, "I've had a look over this list of yours, and  _ really _ ? Has it occurred to you that maybe you're a sad pack of  _ arseholes _ who got what was coming to you. Something to think about." He pointed to an item on the list, "I mean, 'Punish neighbours for letting their dog make mess of our lawn'? 'Susan from HR keeps stealing my lunch from the office fridge'? 'Couple across the street are using our bins at night'? 'Sister-in-law was rude to me at Christmas party'?" He lowered the page with a weary grimace. "Maybe instead of getting someone else to deal with your nonsense, you get some  _ imagination _ and learn to solve your own problems!" The demon was clearly unimpressed. "Neighbours let the dog take a shit on your lawn? Pick it up in one of those little bag thingies and put it in their mailbox! Susan keeps stealing your lunch? Make a laxative and cat food sandwich and leave it for her. Give the sister-in-law's kids the noisiest, most obnoxious toys. As for your bins - might I suggest buying a blessed  _ lock _ ?" He dropped the paper in disgust, which promptly curled up in flames.

"There. Problems' sorted. 'M done here," he sniffed and readjusted his jacket. "It's been  _ dull _ , but I've places to be. The hubby gets 'tetchy' if he doesn't get a pre-show meal in. So if you don't mind…?"

The cultists shuffled their feet, looking as sheepish as one can from under hooded ceremonial robes. They shrugged and nodded their heads. "Alright," one mumbled and conceded. "Sorry." There were fellow echoes of apologies around the circle, as well as a couple of well wishes to enjoy his evening, and to apologise to his waiting husband. They began the ancient chants to dismiss the subject of their summoning.

As the demon was about to depart from the circle, enveloped in his element of fire and flames, he casually told them, "And unsubscribe me from your demonic calling list in future. Or else."

"...Or else what?" one of them asked curiously.

"Or else I'll be sending my husband over next time. And you do  _ not _ want to see him when he's  _ wrathful _ . Ciao!" 

**Author's Note:**

> Written for OLHTS's prompt "summoning".

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Take Me Off Your Call List](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28015887) by [Djapchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan)




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